I’ve successfully created my first blog post, I think. Now I have to come up with things to say. Since I have no idea of my target audience, have no purpose in mind for this blog, and have no desire to be “known” or “famous” or “respected”, I’m not sure what it is I think I’m going to achieve. Guess I’m just sending words out into the void because I have no one else to talk to.
Sometimes I feel like all my trauma is nothing but elaborate self-pity. How the people who were supposed to love me have done me wrong and how unjust it all is. There are a lot of people in the world worse off than I am and I need to remove my gaze from my navel. All of which is true, but my pain is no less real for all that.
I’m clinically depressed, I’m sure, but have tried so many drugs and combinations of drugs that I’ve given up on the pharmaceutical cure. They don’t help, or they help briefly and then stop helping, or the side effects are intolerable. I’ve still got a broken crown in my mouth from the jaw-grinding [bruxism] the last one caused (can’t afford the $1K+ to get it replaced).
I didn’t used to be like this. I used to be serene and happy and comfortable, and the only thing that makes the memory tolerable is that I knew at the time that I was lucky. I just didn’t know how fragile it all was. I thought I was happy because I was strong and well-adjusted, but it only took one perfect storm for it to fall apart like sodden toilet paper.